PEARLS OF WISDOM
FORGIVENESS.....all about the virtue
Hello everyone! .... Here is my first pearl of wisdom...something very great and an attribute of only the strongest.....it’s FORGIVENESS. And I am sorry for such a long absence from the blog...but I didn’t post since I was not eligible!! Yes I was struggling hard to forgive someone who didn’t even ask for it but here forgiving was important....and I finally forgave!! The feeling is just unmatchable. I feel free now after a long time and eligible to post this now...
So, why do I choose forgiveness as the first pearl??
How many times have you faced a situation in which you knew it was out and out your mistake and you had ruined something very important....and then you beg for forgiveness? How badly you wish to hear the words “YOU ARE FORGIVEN” even when you know that forgiveness can’t mar the loss you have caused?
Rest assured, it has been faced by everyone at least once in life!
Ok, now be honest and remind yourself of a situation when you were on the other side of the hedge....someone asking you for a forgiveness over a huge loss he/she caused to you knowingly/unknowingly? However strong the emotions of the asker be, it was not possible for you to say “YOU ARE FORGIVEN”?
May be this situation has not been faced by all of us....the only reason being people not asking for forgiveness out of fear of not being forgiven.
Anyway, did you notice the stark differences between the two situations? How one wants to be forgiveN but not forgive? Truly it’s more than difficult to forgive someone and those who forgive are wise...truly wise...so, forgiveness is indeed a pearl of wisdom....
Let’s suppose you just had a bitter experience. Someone did something to you that you consider inexcusable; let it vary from ‘someone shattering your faith’ to ‘breaking you crockery’, from ‘saying something to hurt you’ to ‘stealing your stationery’, from ‘creating misunderstandings with an important person’ to ‘gossiping about you’, from ‘leaving you all alone forever after a lifetime of promises’ to ‘spilling water over your favourite painting’, from ‘a colleague destroying your reputation in front of your boss’ to ‘your best friend being jealous of you’.....consider any mistake or offence that seems unforgivable. Why does it seem so difficult to forgive in these situations? Is it that we don’t want to forgive? Or is it that we want to see the wrong-doer suffer? Or do we think that he/she simply doesn’t deserve it? Or do we feel supreme in letting him/her not have forgiveness? Or just the thought of the person pleading seems comforting? What is it that stops us from freeing the person or rather ourselves?
Mostly it is the thought of not the person but the offence that recurs and makes things difficult for us. Let us analyse this. You have been badly hurt, but how? It’s obvious that the person was not expected to behave in the way he/she did. Surely he/she was able to hurt you because you let him/her do it to you. Anyway, it’s not wrong to let people get into your comfort zone. It’s not at all wrong to trust someone. But now when you are already hurt, and you can’t revert the situation, then it’s important to forget the bad experience and remember all the good experiences you ever had with the person. It’s unbelievable the way, this solution works. Don’t let the good memories let bring any bitterness of not being there anymore, just let them fill you with the happiness that they were there at least for once in your life. As soon as any ounce of the latest offence reaches even a corner of your mind, wash it away with the sweetest memory of that person. Delete any sms that reminds you of the offence, put the destroyed painting or broken crockery out of your sight. Don’t think about the misunderstandings or the shattered faith. Just throw the offence out of your memory and you will see how easy it becomes to forgive and even forget. Let the offence out of your life not the offender. Hate the wrong not the wrong-doer.
Secondly, the thought that comes to mind is WHY? Why should such a hurting person be forgiven? Let me assure you that “Forgiveness is not indeed a great unselfish work; it’s all you do for yourself.” It’s not evident but you suffer more than the person asking for forgiveness till you don’t forgive. When you forget, a stream of greatness washes you away; you start feeling good about yourself. It seems Mark Twain always wrote with you in consideration that “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds over the heel that crushed it”. The world becomes same as it ever was. It seems a clichéd dialogue but you have to trust me....I just encountered a situation where forgiving made my life better and it’s not about my greatness or modesty. I forgave even when I knew it was too difficult and I was never asked for it, but I was selfish enough to forgive!! :)
Now there are many facets of forgiveness- forgiving others is important undoubtedly, but forgiving yourself is more important and crucial. There are times when you feel that you are the perfect enemy of yourself, there are times when you hurt a person more important than your own life, sometimes you spill coffee over your new dress you planned to wear for the evening or scold your child over some trivial issue or simply say what you shouldn’t have to your spouse just to check if he/she cares for you (sounds horrible, but happens isn’t it?)....these are the situations where you don’t even have anyone but yourself to blame! It’s not that you don’t feel for yourself, but that you feel more for that person or situation. The concept is not as simple as it looks; forgiving yourself is the hardest forgiveness you’ll ever come across! It seems easier to punish yourself, to cut your vein, to hit yourself, to refrain from food, to keep yourself aloof but let’s see it in this way- if you actually want to punish yourself, forgive yourself! Josh Billings exclaimed- “There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.” And Oscar Wilde in his usual best self mentioned-“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” The moment you truly forgive yourself, life becomes easier.
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. ~William Blake
Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes
Another difficult form of forgiveness is forgiving your near ones. An offence committed by your best friend seems unforgivable while the same offence can be forgiven had it been committed by an enemy! You can’t forgive your friend for misunderstanding you but you expect this from your enemy already! Your best friend never asked for this but you, yourself establish the difference and punish him/her like hell. You find it inevitable to shout on your mom if she stains one of your dresses but you tend to excuse your maid for the same. It doesn’t mean that the maid is more important, it just means that you don’t want to forgive your mom and you know she will listen to you and still not run away! You just take your near and dear ones for granted and this is nothing short of a dire mistake. Just remember any instance the person helped you...you will find all cases of selflessness for these people. Hence it doesn’t seem so difficult to forgive them anyway! Any mistake looks small in comparison to the love you hold for them!
Another difficult form of forgiveness is forgiving your near ones. An offence committed by your best friend seems unforgivable while the same offence can be forgiven had it been committed by an enemy! You can’t forgive your friend for misunderstanding you but you expect this from your enemy already! Your best friend never asked for this but you, yourself establish the difference and punish him/her like hell. You find it inevitable to shout on your mom if she stains one of your dresses but you tend to excuse your maid for the same. It doesn’t mean that the maid is more important, it just means that you don’t want to forgive your mom and you know she will listen to you and still not run away! You just take your near and dear ones for granted and this is nothing short of a dire mistake. Just remember any instance the person helped you...you will find all cases of selflessness for these people. Hence it doesn’t seem so difficult to forgive them anyway! Any mistake looks small in comparison to the love you hold for them!
Forgiveness, be it in any form is truly difficult, agreed. But, what good are you, how different are you is decided by how hard you forgive! The first and foremost, start forgiving from yourself...this is necessary since nobody else can forgive you till you forgive yourself. However wrong you do, just forgive yourself. It’s also human tendency but just make sure that you don’t repeat the mistake. It’s ok to forgive yourself after that!
Then come to forgiving loved ones. Doesn’t it seem fair to forgive them too when you can forgive anything you have done? Just let forgiveness flow through yourself. We normally stop the flow ourselves.
And then we come to forgiving our enemies. Know why you should forgive them? Because a bit of Gandhigiri doesn’t harm!!You just have to see the look on their face when you say “You are forgiven”. There will be no one more surprised than them and no one more content than you on earth!
“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting” ~William Arthur Ward
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future” ~Paul Boese
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future” ~Paul Boese
So, you see everyone can be forgiven. The reasons vary but forgiveness is for everyone! Keep in mind that the person who commits mistake suffers more than the person who faces the consequences of it. Forgiveness works wonderfully. Try it once and you will feel on the top of the world. It feels so good to become great for once in a lifetime! I was personally facing a crisis, and was not able to forgive. It took a lot of time but when I have finally forgiven, it feels like I am too strong and noblest in the world! So, go for it. Stop criticising people for the wrong they do to you and start saying “YOU ARE FORGIVEN” and see how it is received as a welcome relief. Experience how the world changes its perspective of you! Forget everything other than that every mistake is forgivable and that God forgives any and every offence if you repent for it. Take your own time but do it finally. FORGIVE AND FORGET. Come start forgiving and let happiness radiate from yourself!
When I started my literature study on forgiveness, I was amazed when I found a page in Wikipedia too. Wikipedia describes forgiveness as “A process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offence, difference or mistake.” I will let you all through a wide range of materials you will find over forgiveness, if you google. So, let’s start the play with the first scene- the common misconceptions (Courtesy: http://www.catherineblountfdn.org/forgiveness.html)
The Top 10 Misconceptions about Forgiveness
1. Withholding forgiveness hurts the other person.
The truth is: withholding forgiveness hurts no one but you.
2. Forgiveness is a passive endeavour.
The truth is: Forgiveness is a very active endeavour, where you can ultimately reach out in love and compassion to the other person.
3. Forgiveness lets people off the hook, so they aren't accountable to their actions.
The truth is: Forgiveness and accountability are not the same topic. You can have both. Forgive another by offering empathy and unity; yet still uphold the process of accountability within the social structure. We have been sent not to keep an account of other’s doing....what is important is to keep playing our own roles in the play called ‘life’.
4. Forgiving someone tells that person that whatever he or she did was acceptable with you.
The truth is: Accepting their actions and accepting their true nature underneath it all are two very different things. You can make that clear.
The truth is: withholding forgiveness hurts no one but you.
2. Forgiveness is a passive endeavour.
The truth is: Forgiveness is a very active endeavour, where you can ultimately reach out in love and compassion to the other person.
3. Forgiveness lets people off the hook, so they aren't accountable to their actions.
The truth is: Forgiveness and accountability are not the same topic. You can have both. Forgive another by offering empathy and unity; yet still uphold the process of accountability within the social structure. We have been sent not to keep an account of other’s doing....what is important is to keep playing our own roles in the play called ‘life’.
4. Forgiving someone tells that person that whatever he or she did was acceptable with you.
The truth is: Accepting their actions and accepting their true nature underneath it all are two very different things. You can make that clear.
5. Forgiveness is for the other person.
The truth is: Forgiving another is an act we do for ourselves, to free ourselves from the pain or bitterness.
The truth is: Forgiving another is an act we do for ourselves, to free ourselves from the pain or bitterness.
6. When you are forgiving, you are "pardoning" someone's bad behaviour.
The truth is: There is no "pardoning," just a clearer perception on who that other person truly is, and what they can still provide to your life, to a community and to a society.
7. Forgiveness is done by saying the words "I forgive you."
The truth is: Forgiveness should reside not only in words but also in thought, feeling and action.
8. Forgiving another person doesn't do any good really.
The truth is: It not only uplifts you AND that person in ways unseen, but it brings that much more light to a world in need.
9. Forgiveness is only for religious people.
The truth is: It's for all of us walking the planet and more for the ones who are not religious. May be they see some light through the virtue!
The truth is: There is no "pardoning," just a clearer perception on who that other person truly is, and what they can still provide to your life, to a community and to a society.
7. Forgiveness is done by saying the words "I forgive you."
The truth is: Forgiveness should reside not only in words but also in thought, feeling and action.
8. Forgiving another person doesn't do any good really.
The truth is: It not only uplifts you AND that person in ways unseen, but it brings that much more light to a world in need.
9. Forgiveness is only for religious people.
The truth is: It's for all of us walking the planet and more for the ones who are not religious. May be they see some light through the virtue!
10. It's too hard to forgive.
The truth is: It can be hard, but not too hard, not when you have the right support and perspective. Nothing is too hard when you are up to it!
The truth is: It can be hard, but not too hard, not when you have the right support and perspective. Nothing is too hard when you are up to it!
After I saw the above misconceptions, it became easier for me to forgive. Make use of these! Let’s see what different religions have to say on forgiveness.....
HINDUISM: The concept of performing atonement from one's wrongdoing (Prayaschitta — Sanskrit: Penance), and asking for forgiveness is very much a part of the practice of Hinduism. Prayashitta is related to the law of Karma. Addressing Dhritarashtra, Vidura said: "There is one only defect in forgiving persons, and not another; that defect is that people take a forgiving person to be weak. That defect, however, should not be taken into consideration, for forgiveness is a great power. Forgiveness is a virtue of the weak, and an ornament of the strong.
ISLAM: Forgive thy servant seventy times a day.
CHRISTIANITY: Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times seven, but seventy times seven."
SIKHISM: Where there is forgiveness there is God himself.
BUDDHISM: Never is hate diminished by hatred: It is only diminished by love.
JAINISM: Kṣamāpanā or supreme forgiveness forms part of one of the ten characteristics of dharma.
JUDAISM: The most beautiful thing a man can do is to forgive wrong.
TAOISM: Recompense injury with kindness
If you still find it difficult to forgive, I have something for you. Take a look on the following link and feel blessed that you live in a world that has something called ‘FORGIVENESS’
Go through the next link too, it’s an awesome video and made me respect you tube to the next level:
Another food for soul is:
I hope you are now ready to forgive all harm ever done to you. I want to be honest with the readers, even I am still struggling to forgive someone from my school days but have not still been able to. But believe me; I am trying very hard for that now that I am preaching! Anyway, I have forgiven every other person and am happy to do so! I plead you to start forgiving and make the world a better place to live in because,
"Anger and rage against another person is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Humans are tend to make mistakes and its human only who should forgive them. Sometime its too difficult to forgive someone, but one should learn to forgive and move on. Thats what I have learnt.
ReplyDeleteLiked the blog post. Some paragraphs were awesome.