There are a few things that flow right from heart, a few pieces of writing for which you don’t agree to do a secondary research, and this is one. This is the craziest one I think, most not-thought-of, most so-not-me…but perhaps the one I would love few years down the lane! :D
I have spent this weekend practically alone….and
lonely. I chose not to go out as usual, but the isolation gave me time to think
about a lot of things; every possible emotion possibly crossed my mind…but
perhaps the one that ruled was fear…the feeling of lost ground beneath my feet…a
breathing uneasiness, a feeling of slipping sand from my fist…something wrong was
up! If you are a verbose person, you can talk a lot to the world, but when it
comes to talking to yourself, you can’t talk meaninglessly. Somehow, company of
just yourself is a little unsettling, how much ever you love yourself. You won’t
love to hear the distinct sounds you don’t even notice on a busy day, rustling
leaves, tube light clicking, your computer’s fan going at a crazy speed now
that you have watched every movie you could!! And then in the end you are left
with yourself….and this time it’s perhaps not so difficult.
You try to
gather yourself, procrastinate everything to evening and take a power nap..When
did sleep become so disturbing for God’s sake!! After even Sherlock Holmes’s “solution
to all problems” not working for you, you try doing something worthwhile and
try wrapping some work up…Kidding yourself right?? And right then is the time
that every insecurity that you ever secretly had, come talking to you..again
the biggest fear of being left alone creeps up…You wanna stay away from your
phone, keep ignoring everyone who calls, but still wanting them to call,
dropping insignificant conversation stopper messages, in wish of never hearing
back, but in hope of a reply, which the moment it comes is ignored willfully again!!
What do you want? Will that ever be understood??!! You end up reading for
sometime…it eases things a little…yeah!! Sigh!! Oh my God….since when they
started writing romance in classics? Even more suffocating now!! Someone needs
to kill me or else this will kill me now!!
Then you need to talk to yourself on why has breathing become a problem….and then the biiiig question- what ahead in life? Too broad a question!! Let’s move to what’s not comfortable…Mattress may be? Ahhh!!...if only life could be so simple!! There is something unsettling in the air itself….and then the welcome respite…a distracting phone call…an invitation for dinner…should be nice right?? What’s making you not want to budge? Lazy female!! You slip on the oldest pair of jeans and the most comfortable (however shabby!) t-shirt but okay…eating? Now that’s difficult for you?? Great! You gobble a few pieces, but with serious dearth of oxygen, do you want to close the air valve in exchange for a mere food valve?? Perhaps talking is better…the friend is as usual the jolly good fellow and you still are suffocating?? Are you the GATSBY or what?? Drag yourself home and switch the laptop on again…and then you realize a little of memories could help…Old pictures…and the memories come rushing back…Gawwd old videos….dudee!!! People love me…so much…do I really need to be talking to them to realize this? Shitt!! What loss are you thinking of?..What’s unsettling? Perhaps the distance, the inability to meet, perhaps not being with them?....you are on the verge of breaking..but possibly a little too emotional…you still can’t stop…you scroll through your timeline on social websites…and the only place you stop is an old piece you wrote! Ouchhh!! At the stroke of midnight (or an hour from that!! Who cares!!), it strikes….you need pen and paper..that’s all you need for a good night sleep. You need to write dear fella!!…however confusing, however meaningless…because that’s how you talk to yourself, to everyone…because one year is a little too long a time to stay away from it!! You take a risk of scaring your neighbors, open your creaking door and do a little star-gazing and a little of air…and you are ready to write…and only when the piece is over…you feel better, much better!! What is life without a few things you aren't insane about?J
