TIME IS THE ONLY TRUTH…
I am
taking the liberty of using a public platform to share something very personal.
To answer the ‘why’ – I believe it might be personal, but it is commonplace too.
We all have lost someone close. We all know the sorrow of a loss, some of us
closely, some not so closely. We all think there is lots of time left. We all
find pride in the non-essential ways of the world. We all are different and yet
the same.
For
instances in the piece you don’t agree to, please feel free to write to me…for
instances that make any sense, please feel free to write it to yourself…to your
heart…because you need it while the time is running out…Hating the life you
might have gotten is easy, loving difficult…Love life while you can!
*Also, I don't promise this piece to be a real soul-lifting experience, so please don't read it while you are low...all I can promise is a soul-stirring experience...self-reflection more often than not, helps!
The first time, ‘time’ and the passage of
it really scared me was when they said – “There is nothing that can be done. He
only has up to 14 months”. I perhaps can’t register till today that he is no
more and that’s majorly why even my close friends don’t know about it. I had
pulled myself back into the artificial world I had created for myself, into
work, into roaming aimlessly and just sitting with a book without flipping a
page. He feels around…after all people still know me by the name he gave me,
people still love my writings that he kept improving through strong criticism. It just doesn’t
feel like I will never be able to talk to him ever again...ever discuss the
trifle issues I had, never be able to write for him, never be able to argue
endlessly, never be able to hate him for being as adamant as me, never be able
to love him for standing by me the few crucial times he did, never be able to get irritated every time he
playfully licked my nose, never be able to convince him endlessly that I didn’t
have a boyfriend, never be able to have someone believe in my abilities despite
my consecutive failures, never be able to see that level of modernity in any other relative, never be able to be so
close to the other generation, never be able to be scared to touch those souvenirs
he brought from exotic places he travelled to, never be able to easily assume
that my anger will be understood because he was the angriest anyone could get,
never be able to enjoy the fact that although we disagreed so much, there was
so much I had inherited from him, never be able to wear those ear-rings without
clinching about the fact that the hands that gave it to me don’t exist anymore,
they were burnt in belief that they will meet the five elements…I experienced
the loss of my grandparents…but nothing took so long to hit and nothing hit so
hard.*Also, I don't promise this piece to be a real soul-lifting experience, so please don't read it while you are low...all I can promise is a soul-stirring experience...self-reflection more often than not, helps!
He did nothing wrong, never drank, never smoked, never did anything out of the ‘bad boys’ book’, didn’t even choose sports as his career despite being awesome at it because his parents didn’t want him to….still there was nothing they could do for him…the guy who was my “handsome hunk”, the sexiest old man that could be, a man who had a most subtle sense of fashion, who loved his blue shirt beyond measure, who kept his uniform speckles white, who was gonna be captain next, who loved his hair way more than anything; had a swollen face, a shrunken body ready to get paralyzed any second, a voice that was good enough to only mumble, a head that had lost most of ‘the’ hair due to life-sucking-so-called-medicines chemotherapeutic drugs and a heart that could not sustain that fatal heart attack – AND THERE WAS NOTHING THEY COULD DO TO SAVE HIM. If there is anything I hate the most, it’s cancer. It just doesn't make sense for a disease to exist without a cure, a problem without a solution, it’s just not balanced in this world, and it’s not fair. There must be something we can do. I had my grandfather eaten away by it and I have a very brave friend who fights it every day. It is probably the worst thing to happen to someone and the amount of courage it takes to fight it is on a scale that any worldly way cannot measure it. The eventual helplessness that you feel while you see something alive getting deteriorated as time shows its colors is beyond any explanation by mere words. Every time I talked to him, I very well knew it could be the last time; last time he talked to me, was when he couldn't really speak, he used to be so funny…he could make people laugh, hysterically, he loved talking, for hours…and then he couldn't…I kept running away from talking to him, I didn't wish him his birthday that was just 5 days before he decided to rest in peace, I was running away from seeing him in such a different light, I was running away from the scary truth…but, it happened nevertheless.
Perhaps that was not the worst part; time
scared me even more after this happened. I couldn't stand the air of that house
knowing that he breathed one of his last there. It started suffocating me the
moment I saw his kids who are too little to even know what has fallen upon
them, I couldn't stand to see his wife without vermillion and bangles that
never left her in ten years of marriage, his mother to have seen his child dead
in front of her own eyes. It just was so abnormal to behave so normally, as if
nothing had happened. His clothes were being washed to be kept in the wardrobe
forever. His watch was lying in a corner of the wash-room knowing that there
will be no time in future it will be worn on the same wrist, his slippers were lying at the same shoe rack. His room has his signs
everywhere. The family was searching for a picture of his to be used for the
final ceremonies. I had agreed to find one, then too without believing that it
was really happening. Going through numerous pictures, he was coming live from,
was not a good idea, I realized. Going through emails was even worse. He was
more than an uncle to me. A brain tumor was not enough to kill the man he was.
I hate the ‘was’ in the last sentence. I just don’t want to be in face of the
truth. I simply have not been able to gather courage to go back to the place
ever since.
I remember one of my favourite author's statement, "The thing with pain is that it demands to be felt"....how true!
I remember one of my favourite author's statement, "The thing with pain is that it demands to be felt"....how true!