Taking that NEXT Plunge!
I still remember the red
sharpener my Mom got me when I entered my first school. I never shared it with
anyone, lest they might lose it. I have still held on to the only winking doll my
Dad got me when I was 6. It was easy to hold on to them. So easy to keep them.
I have always been a person very cautious of not losing my belongings. Always
checking on them. And then I grew up. The list of things that could be held on
to kept growing smaller. As we start preferring people over things, we start preferring
loving over holding on, belonging over possessing, trying over fear of failure
and sadly sometimes even getting hurt over never having someone by our side. It’s
a miscalculated gamble, for each one of us. Over years, the choice between
letting someone into our lives and being by ourselves, between taking those
independent solo trips versus couple resorts, between the bike rallies and long
drives, between the books and someone to read beside becomes a decision, a
rather difficult one. More so because people are so different from things.
The extreme static
nature of things is what we start with, all of us. There is a strange comfort
about things that don’t change. The attic at my grandma’s place hasn’t changed
since I was born. These are things which are taken for granted, as if they will
stay, if not forever, for our lifetime. Human nature loves ‘granted’ things. My
coffee mug has stayed the same since I got out of home. Coffee certainly does
taste better in it.
People on the other
hand, fall on the other extremity. They change. Always. The dynamism is what
pulls us towards each other. But it’s the same dynamism that leaves us scared
too.
When a child moves away from his/her toys, is loved by all
relatives, exchanging laps, being loved and caressed. And then there is that one
relative who molests him/her. Life changes that moment for the child and
forever. It takes decades before they can classify a touch in the casual or romantic
category.
When the teenage girl believes in the star-struck love
story and finds her new found first boyfriend making her just into an alternative, her concept of platonic relationships sure
gets distorted
When the guy waits for the girl since childhood and despite
all promises, she marries another one for the annual CTC (!), his heart rejects the notion of love he knew since years
When the student who gathered only friends during school
suddenly find himself in the middle of the dirty politics at the workplace, his
mistrust on people grows. He starts questioning his judgement and others’ existence
When the young couple commits suicide over their love
marriage not accepted due to caste differences, the society readjusts its
balance towards negativity
When every relationship feels like ‘it’s the one’ in the beginning
and ends up nowhere close to the finishing line one imagines of, hearts get
broken
Experiences with
people turn people into cold, insecure and even numb beings. Not at all
undermining the great experiences that make us into who we are, the ones that
really make us are the ones that break us (The Zeigarnik Effect sure does
exist!). The insecurity of
passing on the power of controlling our happiness sure is scary. It only gets
scarier over the years. It’s easy to get over the first partner who knew
practically nothing about you, but how about the nth one you have
shared your fears with, the one who knows your mood from the way you nudge your
head, the one who can forecast your actions? Rather difficult. Opening up to
someone is letting someone into your little secrets you have never shared with
anyone. It takes courage, a lot of it. Faith takes time to grow and no time to
subside into trenches deeper than the ones known to mankind.
Ever next relationship’s
impact is inversely proportional to the number and intensity of such experiences.
When the ‘love of one’s life’ couldn’t keep up the trust we put in them or
couldn’t stand by us, every other partner we ever have in life, pays for them.
When the so called friend betrays, every next friend puts in that much extra effort
to enter our circle. And then there comes a time when we lose it, we lose the
human touch we were born with. The cold numb creature that stares from the
mirror doesn’t even seem familiar. Our new partners crying doesn’t matter in
the least because the previous ones kept crying while they were cheating on us.
Our workplace doesn’t give us any friends because we stop trusting genuine
smiles. Our lives no longer lets people in. Unfortunately, it happens once to almost
all of us by the time we hit youth.
Learning from
experiences is perhaps not the best thing engrained in the human mind. If only
we could start afresh with every new person in life, if only we could drop the
baggage with the relationships, if only we could choose the last relationships
first, if only we could be enchanted with every new thing the world showed us
with shiny eyes and open hearts, if only unlearning our heads was as easy as
learning.
Difficult certainly,
but perhaps not undoable. The easier thing to do is not trust anyone and not
get hurt, but the bigger thing to do is being able to take and give another
chance, and yet another and yet another! That doesn’t mean staying foolish and
ignoring lessons from the past. Cautious might be fine, shy never. Being able
to see different people differently must be the key, being able to not compare
people like things, being able to say “He/She might really be different, being
able to look at the risk-return frontier and say “I am not afraid of the risk
of getting hurt at the chance of being loved, being able to say, “He/She might
actually be the one”, being able to know that knowing reasons is not necessary,
just knowing that things happened for a reason can be enough. This might look
like over-romanticizing the real world as it is. But to be honest do we have an
option? Can we forever not trust any other person because we were muddled with once?
For that matter, can we forever stop tasting any new food because one
particular sushi tasted pathetic? Can we stop accessorizing our homes just
because we can be burgled? Can we stop loving because we can get hurt?
No one knows for
sure. It mostly is a matter of time. Few experiences take a lifetime, few a
second after you decide to let them go, few stay on, cling on. The only thing to
remember is testing new waters with baggage will only drown us. Floating
happens only when you let the flow through you, when you let the instability
stabilize you, when you let the hurt heal you, make you stronger, not numb,
when you let your heart do what it was designed to do, when you let someone
complete the painting someone else deserted, when you take the plunge – without
the baggage. Go back to the child in you who looked for good experience in
everything new. Go take that chance….let the rains drench you to the soul and
let no one stop you, specially, yourself! Who knows the change you chose to not
take might be your only chance? Strangely, it gets simpler as it gets
complex!!
“Life is made
up of a collection of moments that are not ours to keep. The pain we encounter
throughout our days spent on this earth comes from the illusion that some
moments can be held onto. Clinging to people and experiences that were never
ours in the first place is what causes us to miss out on the beauty of the
miracle that is the now. All of this is yours, yet none of it is. How could it be?
Look around you. Everything is fleeting. To love and let go, love and let go,
love and let go...it's the single most important thing we can learn in this
lifetime.”
― Rachel Brathen
― Rachel Brathen